Wednesday, March 08, 2006

SmArTyPaNtS 3 Some


I aint doin' no 3 some.

I wanted to at first.. really. But then i thought about it. I mean, 3's a crowd, isn't it? Or what about "The 3rd Wheel"? Maybe i just aint hip to the matter, but what does the 3rd person do?


Now, naturally I'm a jealous/stingy female. I don't like to share nothing. Ever. I don't even like for someone to ask me if they can have some of my nachos when i have some. Or ask me for a piece of gum. Get ur own, hungry hungry hippo.


So what i look like involving myself in a sex activity where the attention would be divided up between me and another female? What if she's gettin' more outta it then i am? I'm layin' there all willy nilly and horny, while she and the other is havin' the time of their life. What i look like layin' up in my apartment with 2 other people that aren't payin me no damn attention??

Oh hell no.


SmArTyPaNtS like to get down too. I don't wanna listen to some chick say how good it is. If anyone gonna have fun up in there, its gonna be ME.


But i wonder what it's like after the deed is done? Are we just supposed to lay there butt naked? Could u imagine how uncomfortable the silence would be? What would the conversation be? "SoOo.. umm, i'll call u sometime?" or "SoOo, did u like it?"

What if we didn't like it?

What if someone has an unbearable body odor? What would u say an how would u say it? "Unnn, ur p*ssy stinks"? or "Someone in here stinks but it's not me"?


In conclusion ladies and gentlemen, I SmArTyPaNtS will not be engaging in any type of sexual 3 some. I'll leave that up to my trusty porn. (which my brother stole). Here's a few reasons why i think porn is better. Enjoy!

can fast forward a certain scene u don't like

can do it with or without protection and not catch anything

the person of ur choice will stay aroused and not fall asleep on u, or sweat on u

always make u laugh

get up and leave when their done, or u can just push Stop/Eject

they wont call u and harrass u for more.. u do it when ur damn good and ready

do what the hell u want

only have to pay for it once. LMAO!!

Tuesday, February 28, 2006

Mardi GraS.. One mo 'gin

Hey ya'll..

Get down on ur knees and pray with me..

I said GeT oN yOuR kNeEs and pray with me!!

The reason why im askin' is because i have to work tonite (i work midnites). I requested this nite off from work; i haven't heard from my supervisor if i got the nite off or not... if i don't this will prevent me from goin' out and celebratin' the last nite of Mardi Gras. If i can't get this nite off i'm gonna have SuCh an AtTiTuDe... I'm too scared to call her. I hate hearin' the word NO. Please God.. let me go celebrate.

I've been waitin' on this nite since Wednesday morning.. the day after the fat Tuesday of last yr. I have to go... i mean yeah, i did go over the weekend to the party.. but this is the party of all parties for Mardi Gras..

OmG.. i think im gonna cry..

I had fun over the weekend, but i was with someone and they didn't approve of the whole flashing and gettin straight up buck wild like how i like to do. So u know it's kinda a downer to be with someone that don't kick it in the same way as u do... but tonite if i go i'll be with a whole different other crowd.. the type of crowd that straight up for real knows how to party..

i'ma go back to my prayer now.

Have a good day!

Monday, February 27, 2006

Mardi Grasssssssss!!!

***MaRdI gRaS eDiTiOn***


Okay, Okay, Okay.. calm down Smarty..


lemme catch.... my breath. (zones out)

Good Morning ya'll... it's hot in my apt..

Umm, i'm sure ur wonderin' how my weekend went, right? Well it was really crazy ... from friday nite til now.. geez. I'll be all damn day tryin' to explain to ya'll what i did, so i'll tell it in a short story. Enjoy!

friday mornin.. so happy to leave work, i clock out 3 mins early..gotta go cash my check and buy new party clothes..

my friend calls my house phone and asks me why my cell is off... WtF??

hmmm, do i want to spend money on my cell bill or go party???


later that nite i get drunk at a house party. So drunk that apparently i impressed a 50yr old married woman with my "mature conversation" so much that she slides me her phone number... while her husband stands there. WtF?


woke up with a big hangover and drove home still feelin' drunk to go buy more clothes for the actual celebration... and ate crab salad.. tummy hurt.

so so so cold outside, hands froze from holdin' my drink, but i don't care.. i'ma drink anyway. Red lips from Hurricanes and nasty Jagermeister.. DRINK DRINK DRINK!!! The crowd of white people chant at me. So i drink. And see boobs

And i drink. And see more boobs. (funny, i didn't see any black girls boobs)..

Then i feel myself being caught by my friend. Funny, it didn't feel like i was beginning to fall..

The walk back to my car feels as if i weighed 300 pounds and was hungry...

got in my car and drove to the pizza place. I sampled every type of pizza in there. Then got back to her place and passed out sittin' on her toliet and my head restin' on her sink.

Woke up with beads hangin' off my ears and a few broken beads in my mouth.

Later on i slept at work and had a nightmare.

The end.

Friday, February 24, 2006

Bling Bling Bitch

Helllllooo all!

It's Mardi Gras weekenddddd!!! WHOOOO HOOO!! I know ima end up on someone's web page and home video this weekend.. but i'll blog on that Monday.. or Sunday if i'm over the drunken shakes. Beads, anyone?


Okay, so lemme tell ya what the title is about. Money and bling rule it all.. i swear it do. Now I'ma let ya'll in on a personal note of mine.. IMA BROKE ASS NIGGA. I'm serious. No lol's here. Before my new and flashy yellow 2dr ford focus ZX3 that i purchased not even 2 wks ago, i drove a small 1995 4dr blue geo metro. (I hear some of ya'll laughin' but real talk, me and that car had some good times.. the body and interior was great and it was good on gas). But in these 2wks of having my new car, i haven't gotten NEARLY as much "AYYYYEEEEE!!!" and "C'MERE GIRLLLLL" and honks, waves, dudes tryin' to speed next to me on the highway and the Flower Hustle Man handin' me a rose at the stoplight because the guy next to me paid for it... i NEVER got that type of treatment with the little blue car i had for 3 years.

Now don't get me wrong.. i like the attention, but sometimes i wonder.. are they doin' it cuz i look real good today, or is it cuz it may look like i have a little change in my pocket?

Im sure if u were to run a credit check on me right now, the FBI would be notified. The computer screen would read "Come get this bitch, she know she dead wrong for trying to get credit here..RED ALERT".

SoOo, as long as i wear top notch clothing, as long as i drive a cute and flashy car.. people will like me? That's a damn shame.

I know most people don't really wanna hang with someone that is broke as hell all the time, but geez. Sometimes people are in a situation to where they can't live a certain lifestyle. Im sure i wouldn't have gotten that rose if i was rollin' in the Geo. But wanna know what? I still wish i had that Geo.. but due to the car accident i was in, it was totaled and i had to find other means of transportation... Lord only knows i can't afford it at all.. it's not the lifestyle i can live right now.. all flashy and cute, but hey.. the guy that bought me the rose don't know that.

SoOo, u guys, i guess u can label this blog entry as "Real Talk" again. Sometimes being flashy isn't what its cracked up to be. No matter what type of car i drive, from a small blue car to a fast yellow ride, i still wake up the same person. Its a shame only some of u wanna know the Smarty that drives the yellow car and not the blue one.

U guys have a great weekend. Thanx always for reading!!

Wednesday, February 22, 2006

Awww C'mon Black Poeple!

Good day to ya...

I just got hit with the ultimate question.. I'm sittin' here watchin' 106 and Park, and a question came up inside myself...

Why is it that the intro to black sitcoms (Cosby Show, Living Single, Wayans Bros.. and more that i can't really think of right now) show them grinnin' and dancin'?

Dance Niggers!! Dance!!

Like that's the only thing we know how to do. What a shame. Or in the Black movies they show us at the club more than at home.

Is that all we know how to do?

Why come we never see them working a nice office job, or sittin' behind the desk as an attorney.. or why come they don't go home to a 3 story house where their maid/butler awaits them and the kids are well behaved and already in bed sleep at 8:30pm?

Oh hell no.. that's not how we roll..

We gotta be at a barbeque where the bad ass kids are hot-wiring cars and leavin' the place.. and u took the day off from ur waitressing job and ur boyfriend needs bail money to get outta jail, so u used the rent money.

Hell, i dunno if it's Hollywood fuckin' us over or just the way we like to be portrayed..

C'mon Black people..

lol, could u imagine doin' the "lean with it" while u walk into a job interview?

or how about bringin' ur co-workers to ur family reunion/barbeque.. most of them being white?

Okay, Okay.. i know ya'll gonna be pointin' a bad finger at me in a few so Ima stop.

But hey, its the way of living!! Dance!!!

Tuesday, February 21, 2006

Take a Number and a Hint

Hey peoples!

Okay, i know i'm not the only one that have encountered this.. U meet someone u are extremely NOT interested in, but they for some reason can't take a hint.. let me break my situation down for u..

Peep game, i'm standing in line at the post office. Ever since i moved to Stlouis back in July, i keep gettin' 'Tiffany' the ex-resident's mail.. after i write "forward", "return to sender", "not at this address" and even written "S***** only" on my mailbox (that's my last name, i wouldn't DARE put it out on blogger like that.. some of ya'll are crazy). Anyway, her mail just doesn't stop and i'm quite tired of Tiffany. So i'm standin' there waitin' on customer service to keep her outta my box.

Anyway, so i'm standin' there and the guy ahead of me glances back at me and smiles. So i smile back. Oh Lordy, why oh why did i smile back??

Guy: How u doin'

Erika: I'm aiight. And u?

Guy: I'm fine. Just tryin' to buy a book of stamps and get out of this cold weather.

Erika: Cool deal.


Guy: So, where yo man at?

Erika: (rolls eyes) He's at home.

Guy: *sucks teeth* Where u stay?

Erika: That way (points in opposite direction) and thinks, "this dude has a missing tooth in the front and his breath stinks"

Guy: Can i call u, girl u cute. I can spend time with u yo man don't do.

Erika: (lol) sorry man.

Guy: Let me call u

Erika. Can't. I aint gotta phone.

Guy: What about the cell in ur hand?

Erika: It's not on. I just use it to tell the time.

Guy: Put my number in it then

*****my phone rings*****

He looks at me, tears his face up, and then turns around.

See. He wouldn't of felt like an ass if he woulda just not tried to holla EVEN after i told him that i had a "man at home". That's what he get.

So in closing, if someone doesn't seem interested in chatting with u, then they probably aren't.

Have a good day! Thanx for reading!

Friday, February 17, 2006

Turn On.. Turn Off

SoOoOo.. how u doin?

I updated my page for the 21347 time. U know.. i'm not feelin' blogger like i use to. Dunno why. I loveeee the people i actually talk to, mostly being on yahoo IM,but the thrill of lookin at profiles all day long is no longer with me. I've met 2 people off here since July, and one was okay (we went to the mall together), but the other one i met SOOOOO lied. So like ever since then i've had the whatever attitude about it.. that one instance turned me completely off.

(i think i want some ramen noodles)

Now that i know what the "turned off" feeling is like, i'm starting to feel slightly turned off by a friend of mine. But how do i tell 'em that? "Ugh, all of a sudden i don't like u like u anymore"? or "Real talk, let's just conversate when we see each other."?


Not sayin' that i wanna completely X them outta my life, it's just that one thing they done that made me say "ummm, that wasn't cute".

Have u felt like this? where u were suddenly not into someone like u thought u were? what did u do? honestly i don't know what to do.. but... shrug.

Have a happy holid..err, weekend.

(i need a drink). -SmArTy.

My blog is worth $29,955.57